


Dean finally comes out of his dad's shadow

by a_fuck_it_kind_of_lifestyle



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x20, 15x20 exists, Bad Parent John Winchester, Canon Compliant, Coda, Dean Winchester Comes Out, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Homophobic John Winchester, M/M, Sam is supportive, by saying i love you to his angel, dean says fuck you to his dad, this one and only time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:22:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28119867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_fuck_it_kind_of_lifestyle/pseuds/a_fuck_it_kind_of_lifestyle
Summary: Dean drove for 40 years to avoid his problems. One of which is his dad and the other which is the love of his life. When his brother finally gets to heaven, it forces him to his breaking point.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 184





	Dean finally comes out of his dad's shadow

Dean can admit it. He has a problem with avoiding his problems. He does it in his head, in real life, all the time. Anytime he can get away from what he’s afraid of without it instantly killing him, he’ll do it. He’ll run.

So he does. He doesn’t stop driving because he knows the second he does he’s going to hear those wings and then he’ll have to confront that horrible acid rising in his stomach that he’s so ashamed of. 

Eventually though, he feels that tug on his heart and he knows what it means. And it feels like mom’s come home early and found him with a dirty room, it feels like panic. But he stops the car and he climbs out and he tries not to shake or throw up. He hugs his little brother. He breathes in the fresh air for the first time since he got there. 

“Dad’s here?” 

And Dean hears it like it’s far away, because he hasn’t been tuning into the conversation he’s been having. Because he feels like the second he does he’ll have to start to face it again, and he can’t do that. “Yeah, I guess,” he’s muttering, and he’s staring past Sam, and Sam stoops down until Dean has to focus.

“You okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m… yeah, I’m fine.” He’s in heaven, why isn’t he fine. He’s in heaven, and he really won’t ever be happy.

“Dean. Did something happen?” 

“Sam.” Dean doesn’t know what the fuck to say. He doesn’t know how to tell Sam that thinking about doing any of it, the things he wants to do and the things he doesn’t, makes him want to throw up. 

“I want to go see Mom. Let’s go see Mom.” Sam sounds decisive, sounds like he’s trying to motivate Dean. Sounds good and happy. That’s good. 

“Dad’s with Mom.” Dean snaps out of the fog for long enough to look up at his little brother, who has just a slight crease between his eyebrows. 

“Uh… yeah. Jack’s doing, right? Let’s go.” He gets in the car, and Dean gets in too, because he can’t stand the fresh air anymore, and he puts his foot on the gas. 

\-------

When they get there Dean has finally stopped shaking, through sheer force of will, but that doesn’t make him feel any more solid on the inside. He lets Sam take the lead and follows them to the little white house, picket fence out front and everything. Sam shouts out and John comes outside, looking the same as the last day he saw him. Minus the scratches and all. Dean watches Sam hug their dad and his head hurts, but he stands his ground. 

John approaches him with a small smile and Dean tries to return it. He really does. But then his mind goes over all the things his brain had travelled to during his drive. All the times he’d gone hungry. And alone. And afraid. All the hugs he’d been too afraid to ask for. All the bedtime stories he’d read and the ones he’d never got to hear. All the stern looks and the drunk rages and the fear and the obligation. And then it flips to Cas’s face, full of so much love and hope and  _ belief  _ that Dean was worth… more. 

His dad hugs him. Dean isn’t shaking anymore. He’s vibrating. He’s  _ angry.  _

John invites them in and Dean acknowledges it in his head. John. That’s who he is to Dean.

They sit down at the table, pass around beers. Dean looks over at Sam and he seems to mirror back the concern Dean had been hoping to send his little brother’s way. He had always been the one with a problem with John, after all. But Sam seems to be holding it together. Definitely keeping a distance, but staying polite. Real smiles. Not like Dean’s half-hearted winces. 

“So, where’s Mom?” John stays standing, which makes Dean feel like a child again. He doesn’t like it. 

John shrugs. “She’s out. Y’know. She doesn’t stay here all the time.”

“Are… are you guys not… together? Anymore?” Dean scoffs, smiles wryly down at his ripped beer label and shakes his head. Sam sounded like he did when they first found out Chuck was God. Sam snaps his head to look at Dean, but he doesn’t say anything. They wait for John’s response. 

“Uh… to be honest, I’m not really sure.” John finally seems to let down his guard. He smiles at the pair of them. “Sounds like I’m not the only one with issues in that department.” 

He looks at Dean pointedly. Dean can feel Sam staring too, but Dean just meets John’s eyes with a level glare. John is trying to be fatherly, trying to bond in their mutual miseries. Trying to act like him and Cas are  _ anything like  _ him and Mary. “Yeah, I wonder why that is.” He says dully instead. He pushes his chair out and stands up, done with this. Done with pretending to respect this man. 

  
“Dean-” Sam starts to get up, starts to try to play the Dean in the situation, to cool everyone down and make it better. Except it won’t work, because now there aren’t any monsters to distract them. It’s just their fucked up family dynamic and the rage boiling in Dean’s stomach. 

“No, Sammy, I need to say this. I never got to say this. You did, you did, but I-” He shakes his head and the tears are back, and his finger is pointing at his father, who’s still leaning against the kitchen counter like this is nothing. 

“Then say it, son.” He gestures ahead. 

“Don’t you act like that.” Dean slams the beer back down on the table and walks around to stand in front of it. “You never once let me talk, so don’t after all this time act like you’re Mister Rogers, nuh uh!” The anger is boiling over him now. He can’t even stand it. He can’t decide what to scream about first. “And don’t you dare act like our situations are in any way the fucking same, because they’re not!” 

Sam finally stands up now. From the way he holds an arm out to Dean, he seems legitimately scared Dean might try and beat their father up. “Dean, what’re you talking about?” 

John raises his eyebrows. Dean watches him process the information that his sons are still keeping secrets from each other and it makes him feel like a carbon fucking copy. “I’m talking about our love lives, Sam.” He breaks away from John’s gaze to look Sam in the eyes. He was gonna come out to Sam right here in front of John just to spite him. “Cas and I… before he died, he told me he loved me.” He swallowed hard, jaw tightening to watch Sam’s reaction. Sam’s eyes widened for a microsecond before they blinked back to normal.

“Oh. And you…” 

Now this wasn’t a moment he wanted to have here. “Yeah. Kinda always have.” Always have loved him. Always have loved guys. 

“Oh. Dean, that’s… that’s great.” 

He sounded so earnest, looked so earnest it brought tears to Dean’s eyes. He did okay with raising that one, yeah, he did. “It will be.” He shot a look over to John before he bit the bullet. Anger was always his greatest motivator. “CASTIEL! Get your lily-white ass down here!” 

Dean felt him before he saw him. Cas put a hand on his shoulder and Dean turned around to look at him. He looked as good as always. He was still wearing that stupid trenchcoat. Dean couldn’t help the grin come over his face. He grabbed Cas’s hand off his shoulder and held it. Cas looked the most confused he’d ever seen him, which was saying a lot. So Dean started talking. “Cas I should’ve called you. I should’ve called you the second Bobby told me you were here, but… I’m a dumbass. But I’m not gonna be. I’m not gonna be a coward, that’s not how I-” He’d been about to say that’s not how I was raised. He spared a look at John, whose lips had tightened into a single line. It gave him the courage in spite to keep going. “That’s not who I want to be.” 

Cas glanced between the three of them, obviously spending a longer second analyzing the expression on Dean’s face before opening his mouth. “Dean, I never meant to make you scared.” 

Dean laughed. He couldn’t help it. He laughed at his dumb friend’s sincere face and squeezed his hand. “Cas, buddy, you’ve never scared me. Not once.” 

The corner of Cas’s mouth popped up. “What about when we first met?” 

Dean shook his head. “Nah. Just a little starstruck.” He heard Sam snort behind him but it couldn’t wipe the grin off his face. 

“Then why…?” 

Why not call?

Dean nodded, chewing his lip. “I was scared. I was freaked the fuck out. But you know what, that’s not on you, and that’s not on me, that’s on  _ him.”  _ He pointed a finger back at John, who frowned deeper at him. “All that shit he taught me growing up, about taking care of Sammy and fighting all my life? Treating me like a fucking weapon when I was just a  _ kid?”  _ He could feel a tear escape his traitor eyes, but he didn’t brush it away. Mostly because Cas was looking at him with so much pride it hurt. “Fuck that. It’s not true. You made me realize that. And I’m not gonna let any of his other shitty lessons stop me either, so come here.” He tugged on Cas’s arm, and he was so shocked he resisted. Dean laughed and pulled him closer, and Cas’s hand caught onto his waist. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah.” Dean laughed breathily. “I’m really fucking sure. I love you, Cas. I love you so fucking much.” And he kissed him. And he didn’t care what his dad said or thought or did. He was happy.


End file.
